Real life and fantasies are confusing me

I lost my virginity to a stranger. I continued to sleep only with strangers. Now I haven't had sex in months and it's cause I want someone I actually like to experience me. Like I know a lot of girls are like this too but I feel like I get so wet and I'm tight again that someone actually worthy of it should feel the inside of me. I also kind of wish I knew how you guys felt being inside someone. Like when I touch myself and I feel how wet I am and I sometimes stick a finger or two inside to feel what it feels like...it's nice. It's warm and snug and I don't know I can imagine how good it feels for guys to actually slide their dick inside especially if it's tight. I also get the condoms thing of how it feels better off. Like if I was a guy and I was having sex, I would want to my bare dick sliding into someone. Bare feels so good so why put rubber over it? I mean besides for the obvious reasons haha. On that topic...I don't know if this is a real thing or not but I prefer sex without a condom too. I mean I've only slept with three guys and two of them it was twice but the guy I lost it to went bare inside me for my very first time and the second time I slept with him. I told him after he took my virginity I wouldn't sleep with him again unless he wore a condom and I went back and did it bare with him anyway cause I just wanted to do it again cause it felt soooo good which is weird since most girls first time is painful and not a great experience haha. But anyway, so only one guy has ever been inside with no condom and like the second guy I slept with wanted to be bare also but I said no cause I didn't like that I had sex without a condom with the first guy cause these guys were strangers so it's dangerous. They say their clean but you never really know. (I'm completely clean fyi thank god) I got tested months ago after the last time I had sex before my celibacy kick I'm on haha.

But back to what I wanted to talk about originally haha...I have these fantasies that involve strangers so I'm confused with myself. Like I fantasize about sleeping with a stranger in different scenarios (really embarrassed to say which ones) but I don't want to sleep with a stranger again. But when I think about these fantasies coming true...I'm so ready for it to happen but I also know my fantasies aren't weird or wrong (well maybe on of them is lol) but how can I want strangers so bad yet I dont want to sleep with them anymore in real life? Cause some of my fantasies include strangers but it's not a one time thing. They come back for more... I don't know what I'm asking or going with this anymore but I guess I'm really confused right now.

I figured I write here since it's been awhile haha

Hope everyone is okay:)